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Thanks to John Arnold who inspired me to create this page!

One of Brian Edward's jokes from his talk on 11 February 2019:

Three men died and when they met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates Peter asked them what they would like to have heard friends and family say to each of them as they stood by their open coffins.

The first man replied "He was a wonderful family man, a faithful husband, a wonderful father and a terrific grandfather"

The second man said "He was a great teacher, he inspired his pupils to produce the best they could and he was a great sportsman"

The third man said "Look - he's moving!"

     
 
 
Not funny but fascinating - click to read 50 facts about the human body
 
 

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved.

The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behaviour. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.

The husband said, 'We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!' The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly,'Where is God?'

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?' Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, 'WHERE IS GOD?'

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in a cupboard. His older brother followed him into the cupboard and asked what had happened. The younger brother replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it.'

 

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. Which ice cream company features in the Bible
A. Walls of Jericho

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

     
 
     

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

     

A vicar is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the vicar moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

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A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million pounds!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

  A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of petrol. As luck would have it there was a petrol station just down the road. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough petrol to start the car and drive to the petrol station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with petrol, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with petrol, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the petrol into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: "Now that is what I call faith!"
     
 
     
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